I want to do this!

Live instead of exist

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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 1 cheers 2017-07-30 11:59:03

    Mood continuing to worsen.

    I'm so fed up. It's sad when I'm exhausted, and just want to rest, yet all I can look forward to is work because it breaks the monotony and I at least get out of this house.

    My only friend is too afraid to leave their own house, so I haven't been able to leave mine in well over a month now. There are no events for me to go to anywhere near here. Nothing to do.

    I could just get dressed up and go sit in a coffee shop or something, but wtf is the point of that? The best case scenario is someone compliments me and goes on their way, but likely I'll just encounter rudeness. And if I go out aimlessly, I'm more likely to end up spending money I don't need to because I'll end up browsing shops and wasting gas.

    I hate that I feel such a bigger urge to be myself again, and to go out and do things. It just makes me even angrier that I have no one to do it with. I feel like this is such a childish rant, but I'm so fucking tired of never having any fun. I need to move on, but to what? A social group that I have absolutely nothing in common with? I've had a whole lifetime of that and I CANNOT DO IT AGAIN. It's draining and prohibiting (ie, they aren't interested in any of the events I am so I miss out on going) and I just want someone who I can listen to/talk music with for once. I can't stay locked up anymore. I'm getting old, and I'm sick of hearing, "Oh, one day we should do this..." or "Someday, we'll...." NO. I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

    Whatever.

    Sorry for the garbage rant. I'm just restless and angry and my ear is killing me from my recent piercings. Just fed up.

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    • lolita
      lolita Doing 0 cheers 2017-08-17 07:35:05

      @skeletalgarden I'm in the exact same boat, plus I'm getting kind of ancient! Totally empathise with you on this one. I also love your name and pic. Is the reason I followed you :)

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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 0 cheers 2017-07-24 10:19:47

    I feel like I'm starting to lose my drive again.

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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 2 cheers 2017-07-18 17:43:12

    I feel like I have made some decent progress in this goal the last few months. I've started to care more and put effort into my appearance again, which I've barely done at all in the last three years, thanks to depression. I almost feel like me again. I almost feel free.

    The problem with this lies in the fact that I am growing frustratingly bored. I want desperately to dress up and go out, but there aren't any "goth"/alternative clubs or even events in my city. The closest is Toronto, and for me to have fun (ie: be able to drink at all, not be too tired to drive the long ass trip back home), it would require a stay in a hotel. I would be willing to do this, of course, but my BFF does not have a job and cannot pay for anything. While I could technically splurge for a night in the city, I'm tired of things being like that (no matter who I've been around, even my family, I've always paid for everything), and I just don't think the cost would be worth it. So I'm stuck in limbo yet again.
    I'd love to do it on my own, but the city terrifies me as I basically don't know it at all, and only travel there for concerts. I've had a number of negative experiences in Toronto, which unfortunately kind of killed the magic of the city for me. Maybe I'm just too full of excuses because I'm scared, but I also don't want to be a tiny creature alone in a city she doesn't know in the wee hours of the morning.

    I'll think of something. At least I have concerts to look forward to. This year has been pretty great so far for that anyway, at least compared to other years. So far we've seen The Birthday Massacre, and Tears For Fears. Next up is Depeche Mode in September (IAMSOOOOOOOOOOOEXCIIIITTTTEEEDDDDD), and Christian Death with Lords of Acid in October. I wish there were more. I'd absolutely love to see Pet Shop Boys when they come in a couple months, but BFF has no interest, so I guess that's too bad. I'm so tired of not being around anyone who shares my interests or desires to do things. It really sucks. I don't even know how to meet people with similar interests, let alone ones near by. I've tried several online sources, but all I receive are dick pics, so that's nice.... :/
    I don't know, perhaps something will fall into my lap when the time is right, but, either way... I feel like I am getting to the best place I've been in a long time, or possibly even ever.

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  • DanoDano
    DanoDano Done 3 cheers 2017-05-05 17:35:16

    It's great to see this "goal"! I remember it from the old 43T. It's one of my favorites!

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  • DanoDano
    DanoDano Done 1 cheers 2017-05-05 17:33:25

    I've done this!


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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 4 cheers 2017-03-05 11:03:38

    I've been MIA here for well over a week now. I'm sorry for that and I appreciate all the kindness that was posted here during my absence.
    Last weekend I did something mildly out of character. Coupling the idea of this goal with this irritating loneliness that grows deep within and occasionally begins to take over until I feel like I am going to explode, I joined a dating site.
    I showered, did my hair and face, and put on different clothes for a couple pictures. (I never care to take selfies. I am a shame to my generation.) I hammered out a couple lines about myself and that was that.
    I was surprised at the bombardment of messages I received. Most were either far away, twice my age, or came across as generally pathetic and/or creepy, but I started talking to some men and it was nice to be somewhat social without the crippling anxiety that comes with having to do it face-to-face. It was nice to be complimented, given that my last relationship left me believing I was a grotesque troll who was both disgusting and undeserving of any form of happiness.
    Shortly after I made my profile, I received a message from a gorgeous guy who lives in my city. He didn't look like the type who would go after me. He is a typical brand name sporting jock who listens to top 40, whereas I do not hide my fresh from the grave/forever undead nature. But I decided to go with it anyway... we talked all day and decided to make a coffee date for the next night. He said he was on a paid site because he was looking for someone serious and he wanted to settle down. He kept telling me how I was perfect, beautiful, "different from the others" and all that garb.
    Things seemed to be going crazy well. We got along decently during coffee and he kissed me in my car (God forbid I ever attract someone who drives...), which was nice. He said he liked me and we should hang out again the next night. Then he sent me a picture of his junk. I didn't think much of this, given that it seems to be the standard mating call of the modern male, so I was happy anyway. I'm thankful I didn't send anything back, as that makes me uncomfortable.
    He came over to my place the next day, which always makes me nervous. I hate having anyone other than Michele over. Not that I have anyone other than him in my life, har har. My ex used to complain that the smell of my two cats bothered him despite my rampant vacuuming and cleaning and generally acted so disgusted with me and everything in my life that it gave me a bit of a complex.
    Anyway, I put on a movie and we kissed a bit and sooner than later, it became very apparent to me that he just wanted to have sex. I was disappointed and told him again that wasn't going to happen within the first couple of dates because I was beyond tired of sex ruining every dating experience I've ever had. I had discussed this over coffee, but no one ever seems to understand or listen. After that he got quiet and we just cuddled and kissed a bit more. It was really weird, but not unpleasant.
    For the next couple of days, he began to text me less and less, and when I finally called him out on it, he told me, "It isn't you... I just don't know what I want anymore and I'm trying to figure it out..." LIKE ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? How foolish was I to believe that anyone on a paid dating site would be any more serious than those who are on the standard hookup ones? FFS. I'm just tired of people wasting my time. I want some kind of companionship, and the more days that pass, the more alone I feel. He could have just told me if he didn't like me as much as he initially claimed to, or that it was all just a tactic to add me as another notch on his bed post... but it just really discouraged me and made me feel like there really is nothing different out there. The compliments were nice. Kissing was nice. Generally getting made up and going out and pretending to be a normal girl was nice... but it was a lot of effort. It wasn't worth it. I'm too emotionally damaged to handle this kind of crap and constant rejection. But whatever, at least I tried...
    I might go back on the site, but to be honest, the guy I went out with was the only one of those who messaged me that didn't give me the creeps. Oh well. Whatever. Nevermind.

    I am about to buy tickets for a handful of concerts coming up this year for Michele and I to go to, so I have that to look forward to anyway.

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    • tarrador
      tarrador 3 cheers 2017-03-06 18:20:14

      @skeletalgarden I don't think you were foolish at all. And I don't think that him sending you photos of his "junk" is really the modern male mating call, although I do think it is the calling card of a certain type of guy. Don't blame yourself when someone else is clearly a jerk. And getting out there and trying was a big step - one to be proud of no matter how it ended up. Keep looking for ways to push out of your comfort zone, just be reasonably on guard.

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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 4 cheers 2017-02-19 16:03:27

    Long weekend and I'm effectively spending it rotting in my bed with the cats, as usual. I took sleeping aids and slept for a much needed 10 hours, and I'll probably do it again tonight, too. #partyhard
    For the last couple of days I've been experiencing terrible physical cravings for a cigarette. I started smoking when I was 16, mostly socially, and stopped at 18. I didn't smoke again until I was about 21 or so - when we started going out to the bar. Everyone smoked, and it became social again but soon after was a regular thing. So once again I was a regular smoker, this time until I was almost 24, and I quit. I went through a brief phase of deeper depression last winter where I started smoking again, lasting from about March to May. I quit when my intense shame and embarrassment became too much to deal with, as I had kept a secret of my failure from everyone except Michele, which was difficult.Β 
    I had a few puffs of a cigarette the last time I got drunk - in late October - and felt horrendously nauseated. I figured I had finally become an official nonsmoker.
    I noticed at work the other night that I had that same horrible internal dread and itch. I chewed nicotine gum that I (for what I thought was a silly precaution) carry in my bag and usually don't touch at all and it helped a bit, but I've been feeling awful all weekend so far. The craving comes more and more often, and I refuse to buy an entire pack because... well, NO! but you know... I don't know. I'm just rambling but I'm so confused and irritated by it by this point. Maybe I am just more anxious and stressed than normal, but I don't feel any worse than I normally do. Grr.

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    • tazzell
      tazzell 2 cheers 2017-02-22 23:59:48

      @skeletalgarden (((hugs))) nicotine cravings suck big time! I gave up in 2012 and the pangs can sometimes smack me across the head when I least expect it but more noticeably it's when I'm hating on myself.

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    • skeletalgarden
      skeletalgarden Doing 0 cheers 2017-03-05 10:26:48

      @tazzell I'm sorry you know the struggle as well, it's really not fun. I ended up caving and having about half a cigarette and just felt so sick and ready to hurl and like it was totally not worth it. What a ridiculous craving lol.
      I definitely notice it worsen when I am feeling down on myself also.

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    • tazzell
      tazzell 2 cheers 2017-03-06 11:43:11

      @skeletalgarden at least you didn't enjoy it, I'd say that was a good sign

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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 4 cheers 2017-02-16 18:17:27

    I don't really know where to put this, but I guess here is just as good a place as any. I just wanted to thank everyone who has cheered and/or followed me. I am mildly overwhelmed that this many people seem interested in me. 20 people? I haven't even talked to twenty different people in.... probably almost a year now to be honest. It has given me a bit of hope, and I truly thank all of you.

    I haven't been in a good place the last two days. It hits me randomly, and often with little to no warning. I just feel hopeless. I'm looking forward to this weekend, though. Monday's a holiday, so long weekend, yaaaaaay.

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    • skeletalgarden
      skeletalgarden Doing 0 cheers 2017-03-05 10:24:12
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    • skeletalgarden
      skeletalgarden Doing 0 cheers 2017-03-05 11:13:22
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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 3 cheers 2017-02-14 15:24:31

    I went into work last night to find a bouquet of flowers waiting for me. Michele ordered them and had them delivered as a Valentine's surprise for me. Apparently all of the day staff were super jealous, lol! It was such a lovely and kind thing to do. I had a smile on my face all night and felt like I was Prom Queen while I carried them out to my car in the morning. :)

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  • skeletalgarden
    skeletalgarden Doing 4 cheers 2017-02-13 16:40:40

    I think that this is a good goal given my history of depression and all the soul-crushing garbage that tags along with it.
    Years ago, I had a booming social life, was social even at work, had a lot of friends, and was never home. I was always on the go, always somewhere to be, someone to be with.
    Depression cost me all of that. I began to talk less in person, which lead to more vague and sporadic replies to text messages, and then my inevitable abandonment of social media. I slowly killed myself off from the world, hoping my physical form would shortly follow suit.
    The few friends I had left in the end got tired of my "misery" and eventually faded away. Sadly I couldn't have forced myself to care much, being too wrapped up in my depression and only concerned with the number on the scale.
    A weight loss of over 30 pounds, hair falling out, loss of period, bones sticking out, my body rejecting any food I did put into it, collapsing, heart palpitations, lips and nails blue despite wearing a hoodie and a jacket in the dead heat of August... I remember so many occurrences where I was sure I was going to die. And yet it seemed that nobody cared. My best friend began to treat me like garbage before inevitably blowing me off with annoyance, a hurt that follows me still. My own mother, after reaching out and saying, "I just want to die," responded hostilely with, "Then why the **** don't you?"...See More
    In a way, depression showed me some harsh truths. It showed me I was far more alone than I ever thought I was, and I had no one I could rely on besides myself. I've generally kept to myself since.
    Things got better in some ways. Despite my own personal demons, I managed to gain to a healthy/average weight. I got a much better job and was able to leave my minimum wage/fast food misery behind.
    About a year ago my best friend from high school went through great lengths to get back into contact with me. It was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. He's pretty much the Michele to my Romy.
    We started hanging out again and it was like no time had gone by since we were teenagers. It's nice to have that person who gets you, and is always there for you, and I'm thankful to have that.
    I guess with this goal I'd just like to live a bit more again, just be a bit more "normal," I guess. I'd like to go out more, find some kind of purpose. Right now, the only time I go out is to go to work. Michele and I go out and hang out at my place maybe twice a month. We usually stuff ourselves stupid at all-you-can-eat sushi and come back and gab, listen to records, watch Netflix. I cherish these days, but they are few and far between compared to our teenage years. Working nights makes having a regular social life pretty difficult. I mostly don't care because I don't have a social life other than with my best ghoul, and he gets it because he also struggles with mental health and is also busy with school.
    Ideally I'd like to do fun things again. Have a reason to get dressed up ever. Go to concerts when I can. Just the things I used to enjoy doing.
    I guess I'll use this as a place to document my efforts lol

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    • skeletalgarden
      skeletalgarden Doing 1 cheers 2017-02-18 14:23:53

      @librarysteg Β Thank you. It does help to write to all out somewhere. For the last couple years I've wanted to write, but I just get so introverted and find it difficult to do anything. I can never seem to put how I feel completely into words.
      I'm sorry you've struggled as well 😞 It is really hard, especially when there is still such a stigma surrounding mental illness. I was shocked that none of my friends or even family cared and all just watched apathetically as I wasted away. There weren't many resources available to me when I tried. People acted like telling me that I "needed to get help" was them doing their part. I guess I simply learned that no one can save me, and I became more independent than I already was because of it. What doesn't kill you, right? :P
      Thank you so much for your kind comments. It really does help to interact with people, especially when they come from a point of understanding.

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    • tazzell
      tazzell 1 cheers 2017-02-22 23:55:32

      @skeletalgarden I can fully empathise, every time my depression makes me shut myself away no one comes looking for me

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    • skeletalgarden
      skeletalgarden Doing 1 cheers 2017-03-05 10:19:27

      @tazzell I feel that. Even my family never cared. I'm so used to it now that I've just shut everyone out to a point where even basic human socializing is beyond difficult for me now :/

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    • tazzell
      tazzell 2 cheers 2017-03-06 11:42:09

      @skeletalgarden I wish I had an answer (((hugs)))

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    • tarrador
      tarrador 3 cheers 2017-03-06 18:09:51

      @skeletalgarden One thing to bear in mind when dealing with depression is that it is a big, lying, monster that will make you see things that aren't actually there. I went through bouts so deep it really seemed giving up on life was a smart option. People who don't have it don't understand because their brains are literally working in a different way from ours. Socializing when depressed was actually excruciatingly painful for me. Therapy was a big help for me, and eventually resocializing myself with my friends and family was a big step to dealing with my depression. I said "dealing" and not "beating" because I believe the war is never really over. Only now I recognize the lies and self-criticisms for what they are when they fester in my mind. Wishing you much self-care and strength.

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