I want to do this!

Develop Healthy Boundaries in My Life

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  • DanoDano
    DanoDano Done 1 cheers 2017-04-15 16:08:44

    I've done this!


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  • ligemst
    ligemst Doing 3 cheers 2017-04-13 15:11:07

    YARD MAINTENANCE

    My original yard guy failed me and I ended up going through the process of getting a new one. It wasn't terrible, the process, as I used the NextDoor app to find referrals.

    Anyway, Raul came and did a great job with his guy. We settled on a 1st time price and every other week service on the same day and we settled on a price for that. He wasn't the least or most expensive, rather somewhere in the middle.

    Then, yesterday my original yard guy texts and says he's back at full time doing yard maintenance. My husband and I talked it over and said we were keeping the guy I hired last week. We had gotten a letter from our HOA saying our front yard was not in line with the HOA rules, which it wasn't.

    Anyway, we had made a commitment to the new company and I needed to tell our old yard guy that. If it doesn't work out with Raul, then we'll rehire our old yard guy again. I was having a hard time to make the call. I just didn't want to text him.

    We loved our old yard guy and I personally had gotten to know him pretty well over the almost 2 yrs he worked for us. He did all the stuff himself and sometimes his equipment didn't work and there was not a big consistency. He had served jail time for DUI quite some time ago in Sheriff Joe's Tent City.

    Our old yard guy was reformed and we always paid him more than what he asked. He was a guy that made a mistake and turned his life around. He had a wife and 2 kids and we often gave him clothing that our son outgrew or things my husband no longer wanted that were really nice clothing.

    We wanted to see him successful, but we also can't not abide by the HOA rules as we agreed to them when we moved here. I felt sad to let him go and my husband was suspicious as to why it was so hard.

    He says I get too emotionally attached to people and things and it becomes a problem. I told him I am a relational person and that's how I role. That's one of the things he loves and dislikes about me. When it serves us, he likes it, but when it doesn't serve us, he doesn't.

    In 10 minutes standing in line, I can find out a lot about a person. It amazes my husband how much people will tell me in a short amount of time. People love being around me and telling me stuff. But sometimes it's hard to go to a place and people not swarm me because I'm just way too friendly to people.

    Anyway, I told him that HC comes usually when I'm here and we chat and over nearly 2 yrs, I learn a ton of things. HC had a really good attitude when I told him we need to stick with the company we just hired because we didn't hear from him when we needed to.

    HC ended up quitting whatever he was doing and now he's going to revamp things and start his own business. He saved enough from whatever he was doing at his other thing to start a business so he could hire people and get better equipment. We wish him the best and his family. He had a great attitude and recognized that we also had to make choices when we didn't hear from him.

    Still working on my boundaries.

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    • doobidoo
      doobidoo 1 cheers 2017-05-04 14:54:49

      @ligemst I understand how hard it is to work on your boundaries, but you explained your decision very kindly and positively. It sounds like your old guy was very understanding and is making positive steps forward.

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  • ligemst
    ligemst Doing 15 cheers 2017-03-27 21:04:26

    STRANGERS

    I will no longer put up with crap from strangers on the internet. I don't need to maintain any type of relationship with a man in private in person or on the internet other than my husband, relatives, or friends I currently have in real life or on the internet.

    I've found that creeps and jerks don't respect healthy boundaries of normal, respectable people. Of course, if I'm needing help of some type, that's different but there is a purpose for my communication that isn't to privately have a relationship.

    I'm happily married. I love my life and I don't intend to ruin it by stupid people. I don't have a need to have any man, including my husband, validate who I am because I know who I am.

    There is nothing in what I've written that would give anyone the impression I am looking to have any relationship with any man. I post publicly and don't mind public conversations. There is no need to privately message me, ask me for photos, ask to chat with my privately.

    You will be blocked, deleted or whatever I can do. Thankfully this rarely happens anymore, but I'm not going to stress and let jerks like this (and there is at least one on here) ruin it for me.

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    • doobidoo
      doobidoo 1 cheers 2017-05-04 14:56:46

      @ligemst Well done! I had this problem with someone on the old 43t that was quite creepy. It's so good that you've spoken up about it.

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      • ligemst
        ligemst Doing 1 cheers 2017-05-04 16:10:58

        @doobidoo Thanks. Life is too short to keep creepy people in one's life.

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        • doobidoo
          doobidoo 1 cheers 2017-05-06 11:32:29

          @ligemst yes. I'm hoping that they're not back on the new 43things, I don't really want to cross paths with them.

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          • ligemst
            ligemst Doing 1 cheers 2017-05-06 15:11:54

            @doobidoo I hope they're not back either, especially posing as someone else. Ugggh. I've had one of the people stalk me do that - befriend me with different identities, even using other people's pictures and making up totally fake stories for their identities. The give away was their inability to spell properly and use of the English language and a few things all those "fake" people had in common.

            What is wrong with some people? Over 6 billion people on this earth and a person has to fixate on a person that doesn't want anything to do with them. Yeah, some people have some real mental issues and really need to seek professional help.

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            • doobidoo
              doobidoo 1 cheers 2017-05-07 02:47:43

              @ligemst I understand how this made you feel, there's some absolute creeps out there. I ended up blocking that one after he kept getting creepier and really personal. He changed his I'd too.

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              • ligemst
                ligemst Doing 0 cheers 2017-05-07 15:28:30

                @doobidoo I wish 43T had a way to block people that you could do yourself instead of just the "Report" button. It should still have the "Report" button, but have the "Block" in addition.

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  • ligemst
    ligemst Doing 2 cheers 2017-03-27 20:58:07

    FORD EXPLORER

    I just sent an email regarding payments for this vehicle to the woman I sold it to. Really, I wished I sold this vehicle to a day laborer in cash. One and a half years later, I'm still dealing with the wretched woman who is the mother of one of my friends and one of my daughter's friends (grandmother).

    I set a boundary and asked for my friend's help, since she's the one that got me into this. I was trying to do a favor for her and to help her mom out and her mom is totally screwing me over on this.

    Not putting up with this nonsense anymore.

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  • ligemst
    ligemst Doing 3 cheers 2017-03-27 20:33:18

    EX

    My ex contacted me requesting something from me, but I did not give him an answer that he wanted to hear and was really just vague. At this point in my life and from all that has transpired, I owe him nothing.

    We both had a part in ruining our marriage, but how he treated me during and afterwards was simply awful. No point going through all that again and rehashing it. Then, the years that ensued with court battles and everything, the kids. I could write a book on this.

    Last year was a pivotable point for the kids and I. We no longer are constrained to his whims, nastiness. Legally he has no rights to the kids, but he still has a financial obligation to them until something else happens.

    I've moved on with the kids and my husband. I told him never to contact me again about what he contacted me about. He can take things up with the court, if he so chooses. They have the final say in things and the legality of things.

    There were so many times he was a jerk and really a bad guy. He always played like he was doing me a favor, and that he really is a good guy. Yeah, okay. Whatever.

    He thinks as a Christian I need to be subject to him. I'm not married to him any longer, nor am I legally bound to him in anything. If he continues to contact me regarding any issue, I will construe it as harassment and take legal actions against him.

    I've had to abide by his stuff which were similar. He was such a jerk to us last year refusing to sign 2 simple pieces of paper allowing our kids to do something that we needed his legal permission. He wouldn't do it. There was no cost to him at all.

    All he could focus was on how much pain he's gone through for this whole process, and how terrible his life has been, and his precious cat.

    Well, the financial loss I had was oodles more than him, causing me to eventually need to give up our home and move in with my father for 6 yrs. All the times I dealt with him bullying me and all the police calls and lies he told them to harass me. All the times he didn't pay child support and the accruing interest & arrears he owes.

    All the grief he's put the kids and I through and the years of counseling we've needed for all his insanity. I've eaten Humble Pie over and over for years and just sucked it up.

    He expects me to help him, to make his life easier? I don't think so. Whatever he's does, he has it coming to him. I didn't create his mess. He created it and it's up to him to do with it whatever he chooses. If he's successful, it's because of him. If he fails, it's because of him.

    I don't wish ill upon him. I let him go and he is just neutral. I am more than meeting my legal obligations to the kids and so much more. He isn't. Eventually this will catch up to him, but for now, I'm not pursuing him lack of child support and the increasing arrears and interest.

    If he gets sent to jail for failure to pay, not my problem. Yes, he won't be able to really pay in jail, but I don't really care. My son and daughter are amazing people not because of my ex, but in spite of him. I have surrounded the kids with wonderful people of good character.

    If you do bad things and screw people over and over again, eventually it bites you in the butt. It's starting to happen more and more for my ex and it's his own fault. Bye bye.

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  • ligemst
    ligemst Doing 3 cheers 2017-03-09 15:11:52

    BOUNDARIES

    Years ago, I had awful personal boundaries. I ended up getting a number of books on the topic of Boundaries by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I read them and put them into action, at least what I understood.

    They helped me a lot with many relationships, especially my mom. However, I think I only really did a small portion of the books and understood only a small portion of them.

    As I've been conversing with Dr. A, my acupuncturist as well as my self-defense instructor, a multiple of times he's mentioned not only to me, but to others regarding the topic of having healthy boundaries.

    Yesterday he subtle mentioned it would be good if Cloud and Townsend wrote a book on Boundaries with Spouses. Well, they wrote a book on Boundaries in Marriage. They have a bunch of books that address boundaries in: marriage, in general, teens, kids, leaders/business, your mother, dating, after broken relationships.

    The cost of the book for marriage wasn't much and I had free Prime shipping, but I really didn't want to read a book. I saw that it was available in Audible, as well as the Boundaries with Teens. I got both of them in Audible and downloaded to my iPhone as well as my iPad.

    I began listening to the marriage one first and boy, I didn't realize I had such poor boundaries in my marriage with my husband. He has better boundaries with me, but mine really stink. I've only listened to maybe a couple hours of the 9 hrs of the audio, but I'm learning so much. It will have to be a relisten for me to really understand more and put into play.

    Because I have poor boundaries in our marriage, I find myself frustrated often and upset. I learned that I'm really an Enabler for my husband and I've got to stop doing that and let him take responsibility for his own stuff.

    Last night I tried out this and let my husband own his own feelings and refused to give in to his emotional manipulation. I didn't allow him to make me feel bad for something I didn't want to do at the time he wanted. I told him I would be willing to do his request, but when it was convenient to me. He then sort of had a sulky mood, but I didn't care.

    I called out his sulky mood and I'm going to keep calling it out. I told him I loved him, and he can either wait until I'm ready or get nothing. Eventually he saw the light and just waited. He said he wasn't in a bad mood, but I could tell he was starting to get into a bad mood.

    Often I have felt resentful and just listening to the couple hrs made me realize that I have to own that and not having good boundaries with him. The end result was me still fulfilling my husband's request, but it was when I wanted it instead of giving in when I didn't want to.

    When there are no boundaries, there is no safety or security. Feelings of bitterness and resentment build up. But when you have healthy boundaries, there is great freedom. Just by that simple act of speaking my desire and not enabling my husband, letting him own his own feelings and actions was so freeing.

    It was actually one of the first times I felt happy to oblige his request, a request he's made of me for the past couple years or more.

    So glad I got this on Audible. I'm going to see our marriage deepen even more as I learn to develop and integrate healthy boundaries in our marriage and in our family with the kids. I'm sure I can do something similar when I volunteer for things so I don't get that resentment and frustration I felt as a Team Soccer Mom.

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