Woah — 2 weeks ago
This time last year, I posted a comment on 43 things telling of how far I had gotten with becoming anorexic.
Then, I didn’t log onto the website until right now.
I spent the last 9 months in a youth hospital specialising in eating disorders and such not.
And to be honest, upon arriving there, I believed that everyone wanted me to be fat. It was the most horrible feeling ever. Even now, I have my fall backs. I still feel today as thought I’m the huge fat girl. As though I’m worhtless.
I spent Christmas in hosptial, In intense care and under 24 hour watch. I was at the most 5 stone. And for the first time in over two years, I finally saw what I’d become, and I hated it. I went from being a curvy, toned, bubbly size 12, the life and soul of the party. To being the girl whose uk size 2 ( US size 0 ) clothes drown me.
I felt dead.
I caught a glimp of my reflection in the tv screen. I didn’t see the fat girl I used to. I saw a stranger, a loner, I saw a girl screaming for help, I saw a girl, and I didn’t know who she was.
From that day on, I realised just how stupid I had been. I didn’t cry, or hate myself in anyway. I’d always been told that if sitting around moaning about a situation won’t solve it, but going out, and doing something about it, will.
For Easter, my four year old brother, handed me a chocolate egg. He asked when I was coming home. I just replied with ‘soon… Promise’
I just hugged him. I realised I’d messed my four year old brother up. I decided I couldn’t do anymore, my body couldn’t take it. I’d had enough of passing out all the time, or being a walking dead person. I’d have enough of being in pain from the lack of food. I’d had enough of having no privacy. I was going to do something about it, and I did.
So, In March this year, I celebrated my 15 birthday. At Home, surrounded by the people who loved me the most. I didn’t want presents, that was enough for me. I still remember my mother’s face when she saw me. She hugged me and cried. Not because she didn’t like how I looked, but because I was smiling. I hadn’t done that a lot lately.
I’m now back at school and moving into Year 11 after the summer holiday. I weight around 7 stone. And wear UK size 8. I’m still tiny, and yes, I do still fall back. But all I do, is step out of myself. And take a good look around.
It sounds simple, but, I’m nbot going to lie, It’s as hard as hell to do, but it’s possible. I felt like giving up so many times. But I’d rather be at home, than spending my life in hospital. I want to be succesful in life, maybe become a fashion icon in this world. I WILL change the way people look at themselves.
For a 15 year old. I’ve experienced more than I wanted to. But I got through it. And if by reading this blog/comment/entry, someone manages to see sense. Then I’ll be happy, knowing that at least one less person will fall to sleep, hungry tonight.
Cliché I know, but no matter what happens now. I’m ready to take on the world.
Real people arn’t perfect.
And perfect people arn’t real.
I know I make it sound so easy, and you’ll think, bullshit. I’ll admit, it’s not easy, It’s almost impossible but, once you star, it’s possible. Promise.
I went through so much to get where I am, and at 15, I’m not in denail, I know there’s a chance of my eating disorder returning, but I won’t let it control me again. I eat healthy, and exercise a lot.
Want to know the best thing? I’ve met a guy that love me for me, issure, disorders. I told him about my life, and he still wants me. There’s more to come in my life, I know, like I don’t have a period, and I may never have kids, but at 15. I’m live for right now.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present :)
We live only once. Make it count. =]
Stay strong. You’ll do it.
