Smile! Because it's the next step

A month ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with tha abundance of light and joy and brain was going click-click-click along at high speed.

This week, and especially today, my brain is going caCHUNK – clunk – caCHUNK. It’s a combination of things:

the house work isn’t doing well
I’m not doing up to the standard I had at work
the taxes
the thing with my family

It’s hard to know which of these are causes and which are the effects. But I feel like I”m wading through mud, uphill. NOt good.

I have three immediate things I can do which will make me feel better: 1)my stomach hurts, I need to eat something 2) take a bath and 3) change the sheets on the bed. All of those are guaranteed to make me feel better in the next hour. Emotionally after that? I have no idea. My old routines don’t work any more.

If it wasn’t dusk now, and I really want that bath, I’d take a walk.

I don’t get it, I feel like I fell of a cliff different than I did 4 weeks ago, and the world is back to being this place where I run as fast as I can, and I can’t keep up. Huh.

The only thing I can think that’s really different is that I admitted that I missed being close to my family. And the idea of my brother being as close as he is and not caring enough to call me pushes all those old “not good enough” buttons of mine. I knew that was going to happen and somehow I’d convinced myself it didn’t matter. Dunno.

Anyway, I’m off to go do what I can. I think if I can get the tax stuff all to the tax person before Monday next week, that it will help a lot. But I don’t know if that’s true, or not.

Damn, I want it back! I worked so long and it was Soooooo cool feeling invulnerable and just overflowing with positive energy. What a high!

I hate being back in the same-old-crapola, really I do. With the old tools not working, I have to find new ways out of the morass. And, I need to find ways to STAY out too. This is absolutely unacceptable. I cannont and will not live this way.

Gotta find a new way.

Smile! Because it’s the next step…really? I sure hope so, where I am right now sucks!

jkd

and got rather bummed. I was SOOOOOOoooo hyped and then splat.

I don’t know quite what happened. The lows are still way better than they were before, but….

All I can think of is that I have “post-partum” depression. I am only doing the one convention this year, the one I just did, my favorite.

I had a great time. I mean who could NOT have a great time when people tell you they came to a con (a day after returning from France mind you) mostly to see you? Or, have an author whom you like a good deal stop their car because they see you hauling things across a parking lot just to hug you good bye? I mean, really! These are people I value and they like me, something I doubt I will ever take for granted.

And it’s over. So, I think that’s why life feels so flat. I spent my $, made $, saw friends, etc. and now, I’m sitting in DH’s office and facing the never-ending wall ‘o books to get rid of, move, stuff to cull, etc.

AGAIN.

Hmm. The possibilities were way better than the reality. Can I live there instead? Another day, another box ‘o books.

jkd

I have!

jkd