love myself

it holds me back i cant let it any more

you walk down the street,
like you own it all,
never look back,
you don’t care who see’s you fall.

You dress the way you want,
and miss match on purpose,
you don’t care what other people think,
because to you it’s not worth it.

You walk around,
with your head up high,
your satisfied with who you are,
and yet im comfortable living a lie.

I can’t stand myself,
i can’t really tell you why,
i hate the way i look,feel, and act,
but to me it’s no surprise.

I walk around with a sweater and pants,
in the summer time,
i want to hide because im ashamed,
of all i have on the outside.

i don’t want you to see,
the wreck i am on the inside,
i just want to except myself,
and live my life.

i hate myself a lot of the time. i used to be pretty, i think so, but not anymore, i got darker and messed up my hair and i got dumber and more self-concious with smoking and heartbreaks. i never have anything to say, i can never think of anything, when i do… its almost always really dumb. im not even good at anything. ive become disgusting, i look at how i feel awkwards around the people i know… but not even when meeting people the first time. he can’t love me while i look like this, he can’t love my while i hate myself. its obvious why he’s not here.

I’ve decided to start a list on things that I love about myself. It’s hard and scary but hopefully it will help me to focus on my good traits and it’s something useful to read when your confidence is low.

1. I am trustworthy
My friends always comes to me when they need someone to talk to. Gosh, even people who I’m not that close to trusts me with their fears and problems. I guess it is because:

2. I am a good listener

3. I seldom gossip

4. I can feel empathy

5. I try not to judge

6. I give pretty good advice
At least I havn’t failed completely this far..

7. I’m always there

Sometime I feel like a psychologist, in a good way, and my friends has occasionally called me one as well.

Wow, I actually came up with a lot of things once I got started :)

Most girls would flip out if their boyfriend’s said what mine said to me .. he told me that I need to lose weight. I just stared at him for a minute and then said, ‘WHAT?’. Then he explained that he knows I’m not comfortable with the way I look and that he wants me to be happy with myself so that I can truly embrace the happiness we have when we’re together and towards each other. I was still a little mad because it was so blunt, but now that I’ve thought about it, that was the best thing he could have said to me. I procrastinate a lot and this was the best motivation I could ever have. I love the honesty, and I really want to love myself the way I am.

But I was raised by women, don’t know how to pee standing up and have monthly mood swings, so maybe this is worth looking into.(Also, I have manboobs, but thankfully never got my period. whew.)
So I have three days to kill, Labor Day weekend. Saw a queer walking in Caesers in white pants and his arse pushed in and made a comment that I only had two more days to wear my white pants. My escort, surprisingly a smoking hot 34 year old (female!) thought it strange that I owned white pants (I don’t) but didn’t know the rule about Memorial day to Labor Day. My feminine nature marvels me, and therefore needs some tuning up.
So a hypothetical question, while listening to self-loathing Alice in Chains my favorite band: What would I do this weekend if I loved myself.
There was no answer.
Then I have to wonder, do I really despise myself that much? Oy.
What would I do this weekend if I hate myself? Wonderful. I can answer that question six ways til Sunday (or Monday, as the case may be). Drink, skip church, try and get in some girls pants, drive too fast (that’s open for debate, till you find out where I do this), play 72 hours of video games and not touch my guitar, blow off work, don’t answer my phone, etc.
So the way to answer the question intellectually but without feeling is do the reverse of this longer list. that’s a poor excuse for loving myself. Is it really that important? Denis Leary made my favorite tv show “Rescue Me” based on self-hatred, and friendship through non-shmoozing. What to do?

I think it’s so important in your life…

...all going in circles. I am trying to find what makes me happy again and enjoy life, which I must say has been helping me. Ive even had people notice that my spirits are higher and I dont act the same way as I did before. This is a good thing right?! So, why is it that I just keep going back to my old habits every now and then. I just want to stop and be happy. I just want everything to be normal. Now, I know that everything cant always be peachy but I would like to just be at a good medium even. Im sick of the ups and downs!!!!

and I don’t know how to bring myself back up.

Learn to love myself for everything I am and everything that I am not. Finishing college is my first step to liking myself again.