love and be loved

I slowly got over him this summer when I was away for 7 weeks… it’s been over 2 months now total that I haven’t seen him. I almost feel angry at him…. idk.. it seems like he’s not making a huge effort to find time to see me since i got back before school starts… plus I think he just started dating someone??? idk… I’m so out of the loop right now. If he doesn’t like me, fine, but we can still be friends… idk, I have yet to talk to him in person and try to get some sort of read on him.

I was so focussed on JUST him for this entire spring… I actually fell for him, I was practically in love… I was depressed a lot of the time just from being away from him for a few weeks or so at a time. It really hit me hard. Then summer came along and that let me focus on other things, like doing stuff outdoors that I absolutely love. I chilled out and just let things run their course. I got a lot closer with one of my friends in CO, and I liked him on and off- I decided I would just let whatever was going to happen, well.. happen, and if nothing happened, then so be it… I wasn’t going to mess with our friendship. At the end of the summer, we hooked up, which actually brought us closer as friends? haha idk. But there is no long dist relationship stuff I have to deal with because we kind of had an unspoken agreement that we weren’t starting a relationship (especially not 3 days before we were parting for the school year) so I’m just happy that I was emotionally well enough to really connect with a friend and just chill with him and have a good time, and also to have a casual little “thing” and not freak out about relationship stuff.
The fact that it was summer allowed me to be a lot more lax about everything, and I realized that that’s how it should be most of the time… people get so frekkin serious about their relationships and analyze everything and end up miserable because they are constantly seeking perfection in their partnership, or even in their partner. Does he/she make you happy when you’re with them? if so, that’s awesome- now chill out a little bit and take it a step at a time- just have fun together!!!

... I have a feeling that he doesn’t love me anymore.
But I’ll try not to think about it now.

I miss him. Really, really, really miss him. I wish I could talk to him more. I haven’t heard a word from him since last week, I hope he’s all okay.
I miss how we used to talk all the time, every day. And now we’ve talked so little, only a few times all this time when I’ve been back home. _{Six weeks tonight, sigh.}

I also miss hearing “I love you”. I hope I won’t have to wait too long to hear that again.

It’s his 22nd birthday this Saturday.
I can’t send him any presents since I don’t know his current address in SA. I just hope I’ll get to wish him a happy birthday “in person” and not just through an email.
Yeah, I just wish we could talk more.

Well you get the idea.

... with loving yourself. No one can complete you- you have to be complete as you are, otherwise what do you have to offer potential partners? I think it is a lot to ask, to have someone come along to “complete” you, or to solve your problems. I’m trying to dispel relationship myths. I’m working on this one currently.

The Song :)

I can’t believe it’s been five months since I got off the cab at Earl’s Court and saw Antonie standing near the tube station, waiting for me.
This is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in and also the best one, I wouldn’t trade this for anything else in the whole wide world. ♥ I love him, he loves me, it’s all good. Anything is possible for us, we just have to stick together and not give up.

I’m also blessed to have my loved ones near me now, here in Finland. My mum, my whole family, my dear friends (even though I haven’t got to spend much time with them yet). I’m a lucky, lucky girl and I’m forever grateful for all this.

“Real love will listen
And tell of a fortune
Real love is riches”

_{Artwork by Michala Norup}

I`ve done this… and I`m still doing it!
<3 Eliav <3

so there’s this guy that i have liked for 6 years!!! i feel like the biggest idiot because i havent let him know it….i want him to know i like him but then i dont wanna be rejected. i think he was into me at one time but somewhere along the way i think he just gave up on me. i see him every week and think to myself how i would be on cloud nine if i could just have a minute o his time… there was an electrical connection i felt with him before and he felt it too. it was that spark everyone talks about. i dont wanna lose him because i feel that i could possibly one day fall in love with him. i want him in my life and i believe thats why i don’t have a boyfriend right now. no one else can make me feel how he does…dont know if they ever will. but what can i do????

I wholeheartedly desire to experience true love. Deep down, I am the most hopeful romantic out there, but my hardened, pessimistic, cynical exterior suppresses any hope that it will actually happen to me. I see love happening to almost everyone I know but me, and it’s increasingly difficult to keep myself from envying what they have. However, I am a slave to constantly comparing myself to others and finding I fall short, so believing that anyone would ever love me in spite of my shortcomings seems impossible. In order to accept someone else’s love and truly believe that they love me, I need to accept myself.

I don’t have an incredible amount of patience for others or for compromising situations, and I pray about being able to love and not criticize others all the time, but it’s difficult because if I practice “love your neighbor as yourself”, I’d be the harshest critic around. I beat myself up constantly, it’s true. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, scholastically, socially…you name it, I put myself down in that area. And recently I read a comment along the lines of “people enjoy being miserable because it takes work to believe in yourself. Change is too difficult, and it takes guts and ambition to change anything about oneself, so it’s easier just to be fatalistic about everything”.

I’m tired of making excuses and procrastinating on changing my outlook on myself and others. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to change on my own, and that I’ll carry this mindset with me all my life and end up alone, because I’ve pushed everyone away. I know you’re not supposed to do anything apart from the Lord, but I don’t know how to balance seeking His help and taking initiative on your own accord. I have too much pride to talk to a counselor; plenty of people have suggested it. I had a rough childhood which includes every form of abuse you can think of, and talking to a counselor might be the only means of relief from this self-inflicted bondage.

I just really want to be free, and appreciate myself and the world for what we really are.

..but not romantically..hahaha..but still i can say I have loved and been loved by families and friends and it is reason enough to be really really grateful.

..I still won’t give up on love…to you E.C., ah God bless you still.