Beat my depression

lately i’ve been feeling extremely empty inside. bored. tired. lifeless even though i am still alive. i go through the motions, but inside i already feel dead.

last night it was me, vodka, cranberry, tori amos and tiny violins. and as i drank the blues away, i actually started feeling better. i am not a heavy drinker but last night, i didn’t care. thought it appropriate to throw myself a little pity party. i was the only guest (the (soon to be x)BF tried barging in on it a few times) but other than that, it was everything a pity party with tiny violins should be! Might host another one tonight depending on how i feel. It’s my party and I can cry if I want to. My emotions have been pretty raw these past few days and being in a town where I don’t know anyone (except a lying bf), I am forced to deal with life and crap alone.

when it’s not one thing, it’s another. it’s true. never saw this one coming, but i’m having problems in my relationship of 3 years. this past weekend was intensely emotionally draining, and things have taken a turn for the worse today.

I don’t know why but for some reason i have gotten really down this week. I keep trying to cheer myself up by thinking about all the good things in my life, like my son and my pets and boyfriend and family. I love them so much. but honestly, i don’t always love being me. i hate the way i feel, so down. i hate that i can’t change that. i hate that i feel like someone just flipped me over upside down, cuz that’s how suddenly this depression overcame me this week. i wish i knew all the answers in life, i wish i was ever so wise, i wish i had a stronger will because then maybe i would actually do something to end it all for myself, i hate the way i feel. i am such a freak for feeling like this all out of the blue. I WANT TO FREAKING SCREEEEEEEEEEEM

I know I shouldn’t. I have a great boy, I’m going to school, and I have a guy who loves me. So I’m supposed to be happy right? Well what if I’m just NOT? I can’t help it and I don’t know why. I do know I hate my job, I hate working at Kohl’s. It was just supposed to be a little part time thing while I finish school, but I can’t stand it! I can’t stand the leak in the bathtub! There’s never any hot water when I want to have a bath. I hate the way I’ve been eating so much lately. I just want to sleep. But that’s even a drag. I don’t have any friends in this stupid town. I’m supposed to be at work in a little over a half hour but I’m still in my pj’s. I’m so moody sometimes. Sometimes I think my teenage angst never went away.

that’s what depression is for me. a combination of a lot of stupid, messed up things and dwelling on them a little too much. getting stuck in a rut. trying to escape it seems hopeless at times, so might as well give in.
that’s what i do. when i really try to put a finger on it, i can’t really figure it out. so it makes me mad, sad and even more depressed. it’s a stupid cycle i can’t ever FREAKING break! god i am so mad right now!

May you forever rest in peace, lois.
I will always remember the first day I laid eyes on you,
What a sweet puppy you were,
They said you were the runt of the litter,
But I had never seen a more beautiful chihuahua
With balloons tied to those big ears,
I couldn’t stop thanking the stars up above
For a sweet puppy such as you
A young girl I was,
now,
Twelve years later
We watched life change before our eyes
So many memories
Now tears are their disguise
As I try to figure out why, oh why,
Did my sweet lois have to go
That little growl
That little dance
Those little eyes
But that enormous heart
Lois, so sweet and lovely
I guess I will never know
why in LIFE things work out this way
All I know is that right now
I’m crying you an ocean
so that one day
I may swim back to you.

Lois, my forever friend
How I love you so…
How I will miss you so…

but i just feel so depressed. i hate it. it feels so ugly! i hate it so much. i want to crawl under my covers and melt!

i thought i left it behind when i last moved. i guess it followed me along.
i haven’t been myself lately. but then again, who am i? why do i turn on myself? why do i feel great for a while and then suddenly, crap, there it is again.
i haven’t been connected lately. feel like i’m just floating in a fog. so much is going on around me. i want to grab onto something but i keep missing!!!
and i just feel so down.

i remember it was the little things that made me happy. like staying at home while everyone had gone off to school and work and popping in a stupid movie, like you, me and dupree. when life was lazy and i felt free.