terri

...

down the drain.

still alone. Interesting to see a pattern here and suspect that it won’t change.

Deal with it, accept it or move on?

It’s worse than ever now. Alone physically for the most part, emotionally, alone in housework and mostly alone in paying bills. Alone in worrying about the bills, mostly alone in caring for the baby…

It sucks to be alone when the man I love is right there…

I don’t understand why he doesn’t love me or want to be with me (says he does) but without any communication from him it’s not for me to understand, just to deal with.

He finally said that he gave up because I’m angry all the time. Not true but yes, the situation does make me react in anger from time to time…and how dare he blame me for his being this way?

Heartbreaking, frustrating and yes infuriating at times

and no encouragement/support from the peanut gallery

and ended up too skinny, not purposefully, but was wearing a size 0. I’m not between 110 and 115. Pretty much where I’d like to be.

as of April…after one year of clean law abiding living. I can’t say it’s changed my ways much. Time for a new goal

toward pursuing massage therapy.

The school is very nearby. I could potentially attend during the week and continue waiting tables on the weekends. The massage therapy still seems like a better fit for me than a more traditional medical field such as nursing…

and offer opportunities for him. In the meantime I just have to pray that something catches his interest, sparks his passion….eventually.

I do things like cook dinners (which he typically sleeps through). I organized his clothing and fit his shirts and underwear into my dresser so he could retire the cardboard box method he’d been using since we moved in here…

I just try to be thoughtful.

He’s not been in the mood (or even available) for physical affection at all. I miss him. I long for conversations and sharing and getting to know one another. Sharing the baby in both joy and responsibility.

He watches the baby while I’m at work. On the rare occasion that he is awake when I am here we sit silently and watch tv. I wonder if we’re maybe not compatible?? Or if he just isn’t in to me…His letters are expressive though.

I do sometimes, yes but there has to be time for myself too. I won’t beat myself up for doing housework or reading or using the bathroom or bathing (when I should be sleeping).

yawn

What liberation I now feel. I’m enjoying this very much.

The same waitressing job. Crappy first week money wise. J is watching the baby and doing a fine job so far. I’m glad they are bonding and she is taking the bottle just fine.

My milk supply is diminishing some. I try to nurse her often when I’m home. I imagine weaning will naturally begin fairly soon.

effort toward an exercise routine. My calorie intake is quite low, I’d guess and I am back to work now so there is some physical activity. I do plan to get out and at least walk now that the weather is nicer. I have about 10 lbs to go.

beautifying my apartment some. That is, trying to create a more comfortable, more beautiful effect on a tight budget. I am pleased with the results so far.

Next is to get to the nursery and create my tiny balcony container garden.

but still I feel alone.

J is not as depressed as before but we just don’t seem to spend a lot of time together doing things as a couple. It’s odd and I hope it works itself out somehow. Either I find peace with the way things are or we eventually become more comfy with one another and find a groove…

Embracing solitude instead of sitting around feeling lonely is the real goal.

many meals while I was on maternity leave. Lots of chicken and salmon mostly. I enjoyed it. J, unfortunately slept through a lot of it. I would have liked to share the meals with him but he got to eat leftovers instead. It will prove to be more difficult now that I’m working 2nd shift…

a young woman from work for awhile the other day. She has a 7 month old. It was very lovely having another mom to hang out with. She is a bit younger than me but she’s a real cool girl, I like her a lot. We’d find plenty to talk about baby wise and our boyfriends have some issues in common. I know she does smoke weed and drink some but I don’t think that would get in the way. she respects that I’m sober. I’d like to make a regular thing of it…

Sometimes I feel so completely overwhelmed starting the parenting journey again. I find myself now often thinking about when my son was an infant. He’s now almost a teenager. Where did the time go? My sweet little guy…a most darling young man now. He’s stumbling trying to find his way as we all do and parenting him now is such a huge period of growth and learning for both of us.

My daughter, not yet 3 months old is just a sweet little ray of light. I couldn’t be more blessed with the two of them.

L able to be an only child for 12 years and now is a wonderful big brother.

I get to now approach the parenting journey from the older and hopefully wiser point in my life.

Some cute little additions…

slip covers: what a huge difference though they don’t fit as nicely as I’d hoped

pillows and some accents. I have some photos I want to hang and some of J’s artwork.

Since the walls are white and I can’t paint I did white slipcovers as well. White on white and I’ll just change the accents with the season/mood. Cute.

How the hell can I deal with this. I don’t know. Is it ultimately up to him or is his illness too debilitating to take that first step. I’m really struggling here.