buddha_bella

I haven’t had a problem with eating for about 2 months, until sometime in the last 2 weeks. I went into vitamen world and stood in front of the weight loss section for 20 minutes, just looking. I was so tempted to but some but I didn’t. And earlier this week I purged after eating and I think my sister caught me, she didn’t say anything though so maybe i’m just imagining it.
I feel like I’m not going to get better and that I’m doomed to this (ha that sounds so cheesy) but I know I’m going to have to deal with this the rest of my life, which is a very difficult idea to come to terms with. Lately I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night because I can’t find hope for myself, and I know that this past year has been hell for my family. And I’m the cause for it, the guilt is so intense.
Somedays it just seems too hard to get out of bed.

so technically hes a maltese poodle cross
his name is ernie (after ernest hemingway not the sesame street puppets)
he brings So much joy into my life!

last year i suffered from severe depression and an eating disorder and he has helped cure me! hes so loving and it gives me something else to focus my attention on besides my body. I honestly dont believe i would still be in this life without him, he is truly my guardian angel and lifesaver but of course he’ll never understand that,
he loves me so unconditionally, its something everyone needs

sometimes i’m not so sure i want to get better, i’ve only purged once since May i think.. although i do lose count but that rush came back and it was so euphoric i couldn’t stop laughing. Like I was manic or something
oh god there is something so seriously wrong with me and it’ll get better for a while but whenever im stressed i just relapse

there was something else i wanted to say, i think it was really important… hmmm
this isnt it but….
schools started and its soo much easier for me to hide what im doing, last year my parents pulled me out of school because its so much easier to not eat there and if i did happen to eat i could easily purge in the bathroom… im afraid that i’ll fall back into my old patterns and part of me wants to….SOOOO badly
ooooh i remembered i think i was going to talk about my competitive side, whenever i read a book about another ana or watch a show about eds it makes me want to not eat like it triggers that sickness in me or w/e it is. I get so competetive when i see other anabias… not good
ergh this hasnt been a good week