afidrea

what the fuck am i supposed to do? she just started crying on the couch because she felt ignored at this party we went to. i thought i was just giving her room to breathe and talk to people. after all, she talks to people and walks off and i don’t flip out. i CAN see it from her point-of-view, though, because she said something about she understands how i’m trying to get over her, but she doesn’t understand how i have to take my feelings out on her. it is an unfair situation i put her in but i don’t know how to do anything different. what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to get over this feeling of dread inside of me when i still fucking see her all the time? it’s impossible. it’s just getting worse and apparently i’ve succeeded in making her upset, too. i don’t know what to do. it’s just a never-ending circle, i just keep ending up in the same spot i was before. better, then worse, then better, then worse. around and around. it’s stupid.

i still remember how fucking free i felt. how i felt like this burden was lifted off my shoulders. how i looked at the world in a different way than i had previously been doing. it didn’t make everything okay, it didn’t fix my problems, but i still remember…and i’m still happy i did. it was almost 3 years ago and i wish i had “known” earlier, or at least gotten closer to realizing it. i still remember…that it was the greatest and bravest thing i think i’ve ever done, and the thing i’m the most proud of myself for doing.

well actually this morning, technically. i broke. it’s not often that i surprise myself, but tonight i did. she said something, i don’t remember exactly what, but the gist of it was that if i had a career – a job that wasn’t just one of those for-awhiles – that she would or might be with me. something like that. anyhow, i broke down. in her car. on the way out of the parking garage from the bars. yeah, i was drunk, but i don’t normally react that extreme, but that comment just killed me. the fact that once, at one time when we dated, she wanted me, she got excited when i touched her, and doesn’t now – i just can’t get past the fact that i fucked up possibly the greatest thing in my life because at that time i was too young and too scared to take a chance. she was holding me in the car telling me she loved me and she would always be my friend. people were honking behind us. then i ended up falling asleep on her chest on the couch. i kept half-waking up making these stupid sobbing sounds, like crying in my sleep, and she was rubbing my head. i’m half really really really embarrassed and half relieved. she said i wasn’t stupid, i was brave. i don’t know what to think but i can’t sleep. and it’s getting worse.