Recover from my eating disorder

shesh I just read my last entry and it’s hard to believe I was just 6 days into recovery then!...I think it’s nearly been a month now! I can’t believe it. It’s been going so good…actually I shouldn’t say that because I might jinx it! _{touches wood}...It’s been a struggle…obviously, I wont pretend like it’s been a breeze because it hasn’t, not in the slightest. My weight hasn’t budged…well actually I LOST a pound which was a bit of a shock but meh there you go. The only thing I’m interested in is that the scales don’t go UP…that would just be baaaaad, although I’m finally seeing a counceller and hopefully she can help me work on WHY I do this etc. it seems to be helping. I’ve started back up writing a diary which feels awesome! I stopped journalling a few months back when I was in deep with my ED and I find it always gives me a way to vent…plus it gets all that crap out of my head so it’s not clogging me up when I’m trying to sleep! damn insomnia! damn it to hell!! haha.
Anyway I think I’m finally on my way to beating this and I really am getting more clued up on the real reasons instead of ignoring them. If anyone who is reading this is suffering from an eating disorder I really, really do want to say that recovery is such a release and I recommend you seriously think about it. It’s the best thing I’ve ever, ever done!

xxx

O.K so I’ve been trying to recover from EDNOS for the past 6 days, I have to admitt it’s been really difficult. It’s obviously not all going to work out in the first week, it’s gonna take time but I’m feeling really helpless atm. I know this is something that I have to do, and it’s good I get to do it in my own time, on my own terms etc. but the guilt I feel is soul destroying. I’m terrified of gaining and really just want to maintain. My diet is really healthy, I eat everything I’m supposed to, whole grains, veg, fruit, fish, a little dairy and I take vitamins, I don’t eat any junk what-so-ever, I never have, I just hope I can beat this and stay at my goal weight. I’m giving it until the end of the week and then I’ll see if it’s been successful in maintaining 111lb. If not I don’t know what I’ll do…. Fingers crossed! =]