Allow myself

This is going to take some time and effort, but it’s a way of honoring myself that I have never allowed myself to do. The camoflauge was always too imperative.

jkd

last night I was so tired, I ended up boo-hooing nonsense (the same ol’ stuff mostly) on poor DH. Eventually, I went to sleep, and all gone today!

I think I just need more people/positive reinforcement, or something (more sleep, sometimes).

jkd

last night I was so tired, I ended up boo-hooing nonsense (the same ol’ stuff mostly) on poor DH. Eventually, I went to sleep, and all gone today!

I think I just need more people/positive reinforcement, or something (more sleep, sometimes).

jkd

I have the first 2 chapters all but done (need polishing, don’t they always?) and a complete outline. I need to finish the f’n thing.

It may not be publishable, that’s okay. But I want to finish 10 chapters, wait a little, polish it again, and then mail it off or give it to someone I know in the business. If it sucks, well, the next one will be better!

jkd

as much as I feel and stop accepting the family mantra, that I feel “too much.” Why do they get a vote on how much I feel? How would they possibly quantify this? Justify it?

Certainly, others can decide that they think I’m too sensitive, but that’s like them deciding I’m too short or old or my eyes are the wrong color, isn’t it? Since I am what I am, it’s like a matter of taste and NOT a value judgment I can do anything about at all.

And that’s what I want to change. The notion that others might have any kind of reasonable say so over what or how much I feel. Why would they?

jkd

at one point here, I wrote something like what do I do when “keeping on” is unnecessary? I said it better than that, but the point remains.

Also, what do I do to tackle the “guardian” that keeps me back. Well, actually, I know what to do, the problem is that it’s Soooooooooooooooooo_ooo slow.

If I designed my life as a “healed person,” how would it be different from who I am now?

I don’t know!

Damn, I hate situations where all you know is the negative. You know what you don’t know is one of the most frustrating places in the world to be. Frequently it’s accompanied with not being able to define the next phase of what you’re doing, so you simply go in the right general direction, if you can. I call this “herding continents.” It’s about that easy and fast some times!

jkd

when I want to be, and as much as I’d like, without being insecure.

This has been an issue of mine for most of my life. Raised by men it always seemed I didn’t “get it” when it came to girl stuff.

In most cases, I reduced what I liked down to what I could live with, and that’s what I’ve got now. I did this with my clothes, and with a lot of my taste issues otherwise.

My dad was really uncomfortable with my “femaleness.” Females were alien, weird, emotional beings, and I wanted desparately to fit in. For years I tried to be a boy and cried because I wasn’t. If I were being raised now, I suppose I’d be a transsexual.

When I was a kid, Donna Reed was on television. There was bushels of stuff about being female I didn’t know: how to put on makeup, how to read the hairsetting diagrams…forget reading the diagrams, try putting your hair in rollers with those silly pink plastic pins! How to walk, sit, dance, and talk to boys…none of it I did well, or at least at first. It was hell. I broke the rules all the time, and didn’t know why, and in some cases never did.

Somehow this is tied to the wanting the pink, fluffy room as a little girl and getting a little boy’s room instead, but it was more than that, it was that I just knew everything would be a lot easier if I were male.

I don’t know what the deal is here, but I want to allow myself to be who I am, without feeling like I either have to apologize or inwardly cringe because I’m sure I’m blowing it.

jkd

The power of asking has been all over my week.

I asked the neighbor for help with the culvert, with the result that it now installed beneath our driveway.

I went to the market earlier this week. As always, I look in the “salvage” or marked down sections first. There were two loaves of sour dough bread, unmarked on the 1/2 off rack. I put them in my cart and trundled off to the bakery to ask if they were indeed 1/2 off? The young lady at the bakery marked them down for me, and I continued to shop.

I checked out, and also as usual, I looked at the reciept before I left the market. I’d been charged full price for one of the loaves. I went to the customer service center and asked for an adjustment, and they refunded my money entirely on the full price loaf! So, I got us 2 loaves of bread for 50% of the original price of 1!

Yes, this takes time. But both cases, the culvert and the bread, happened because I was willing to ask for help or if something was x or y. It’s amazing what you can do when you ask!

jkd

As explained elsewhere, my family’s toxic to me. That doesn’t mean that I either am guilt-free about severing my emotional ties with them or don’t have a strong yearning for things to be different.

This is one of those things where I have to be tough for my own good. This goal is to allow myself to do that, even though it IS tough, as doing so will make almost everything else easier!

jkd

Even (or especially) if it is a long-term project, yet to be completed.