JudithKD "..it's the try that counts. Win, lose, or draw
The grieving I needed to do still isn’t done, although I had reasons why not…
I made it to the beach with my friend John the day we met SallyKitt, but not to my old neighborhood at all. I suppose that I need to do this same process, again and again. I know grief is cyclic, it comes and goes in waves, but…
Well I chickened out. I didn’t read the letter, didn’t do a ritual, felt too exposed, too public, too naked to vent any of it. I don’t know if this is 1)avoidance (cowardice?) 2)real embarrassment or 3)I really wasn’t in the right place. As I said, it would be much easier to do this if I lived in or around L.A.
I suppose that I’m going to have to do it with more “paper catharsis” my usual these days, as I seem to have a really hard time letting myself really feel and/or show this stuff. Of course, I’ve always had a hard time with this, despite being hysteric for a time, I just had so much more on my plate that I couldn’t contain it all.
My “inner voice” is telling me that I’m being too hard on myself, again. That I’ve avoided this stuff for 40+ years for a reason and just because I gave myself the time/place to do it didn’t make what I was trying to do any easier, my psyche doesn’t care about the financial cost one whit. I wasn’t ready for a full blown purge,and that’s what it is, period. Also, I may not need to have a complete breakdown either.
Damn I’m like a swimmer who’s trained in pools forever for a long, ocean race and is afraid to actually swim in the ocean. So frustrating!
jkd
P.S. the simile is very appropriate. I’d swum in pools and at the shore my whole life. The first time I was in a lake in a life belt and I couldn’t touch or see the bottom, I had hysterics!
